I hope you can do that. I hope its not too late. But, only time will tell. Time, by the way, is the answer to your problem. Telling her how sorry you are and telling her you love her, and telling her you will change are all a great first step … but they are only a FIRST step. After that you have to follow through.
You have to actually change. From the inside out. Then you have to SHOW her you have changed! After that, you have to keep showing her, and keep showing her, and keep showing her. In time, if your wife sees that your change is REAL and not just words, she may start to believe you. Little by little, if you have really changed and keep showing her you changed, the ice around her heart may start to melt.
If and when that happens, you can start to rebuild your marriage — better, and stronger than it was before. But until that happens, you can not push her. You just have to be the best husband, father, and human being you can be and see what happens.
The Divorce Handbook
What you need to get your head around is that, even if you do change, it might still be too late. She said she wants a divorce, so maybe you have. But, have you crossed it yet? If you really want to save your marriage, you have to work on being a better husband and father … and genuinely mean it! Your change may bring about a change in your marriage. So any improvement you can make in your parenting will positively affect your relationship with your kids forever.
That, in and of itself, will be a great thing. Yes, I have told her multiple times that I am sorry and that I am in the process of changing my life. I love my family very much and I do NOT want to lose them. At this point in time however, it is too late, she has already started with the divorce papers Divorce fIle or whatever — Online. I have no other choice then to do as she wishes, she is not budging from her decision in anyway. She thinks this will actually be a good thing for me as in to being a better father to our children. OK, I agree to that…. She is wanting me out of the house at the end of October and she has gone as far as to say she would help me with finding a place and pay the first months rent and security deposit and all, but she wants me out.
I want so bad to be able to repair this, but at this particular moment in our lives it is not fixable. She said she would go as to help with the pain of what are children will be going through. But I am just finding it so hard to cope and deal with this on a day to day basis.
The more I try to show my wife that I am changing it just seems to push her that much farther away. I guess the only thing left for me to do is going on and trying to be the best father to our children that I possibly can and keep trying to show her that I am changing.
Maybe one day in the future she will see it and perhaps we can pick things up where we left off, but it a completely different environment then when we left. I hear what you are saying and I am so sorry that you have to go through this! It sounds like your wife has passed the point of no return and is not willing to look back. You are wise for recognizing that there is nothing you can do right now to change her mind. There is no switch you can flip that will turn back time. As painful as this time is for you, please do not think about taking your life! Ending your life to avoid dealing with your problems now will prevent you from doing whatever it is that you were put here to do.
Regardless of what your belief system is, that can not be a good thing. It will also hurt your children more than you can ever imagine. It sounds like those thoughts have passed but, please, if they have not, get help immediately! This is not a solution to your problems, nor will it necessarily end your pain who knows what lies beyond, right? No one wants to be alone. No one wants to lose their family. But what you need to understand is that what you are facing will change you and your family.
But you have no idea what the future holds. You may end up being, as you say, a better father. When you do, my guess is that you will also learn from what you have been through and you will treat your new relationship differently. Life has a way of working out in ways we never imagined. I need to continue my rambling rant. My husband is also battling addiction, ups and downs for 20 years. It sure does not set the foundation for a stable marriage. For him maybe, as I have been the enabler, but for me not. I always am fighting my guilt for leaving, separated almost 3 months. He is always pleading, or praying for my return.
Feel like it has been over for years, but once again the pain of the guilt returns. If I was wealthy it may be an easy decision, at least in part. Kids are involved too, they are hurt. He will not give up, only apologies for all the pain he has caused, or speaks to hurt me and criticize me for leaving and breaking up the family. Crying, deep pain, fear, darkness of the unknown. Meeting with new found freshness and joy for the future.
Excitement for the unknown, Looking forward to a more peaceful time. Should the fact that he has addiction issues be reason for me to stay and continue the help. I sure could keep on trying to help him, but do so with different rules and boundaries.
I am exhausted though, want to be done, although right now am feeling I should not. Tomorrow will be different, I will continue to fight this battle that I pray will end some day and I pray even more that my children will not be damaged more so due to my decision to leave. What a battle we fight in the face of broken dreams and shattered love.
Almost every song for decades is on this topic, love gone bad. Please let our lives get better. I ask for a mutual understanding, but fear that will never occur.
I need to remind myself that this is not a healthy marriage and that I deserve to be happy. Hope to stick with that thought for at least 48 hours. I can tell how much pain you are in, and my heart goes out to you. All I can say is hang in there! Things will get better! Yes, it will take awhile. But they will get better! I am seeing the light of the beautiful day! Could of fallen down to the level of despair I recently have felt, but chose not to. First asked trusted ones for support, and the word trusted is essential, to help navigate unclear messages sent to me.
Did that before getting hooked on that emotional bait, that is used all to often. Shortly after, spent the time focusing on myself, my kids and animals. I am very much comfused. I and my husband been married for 7years and we have 3 young children. It has been a ruff ride since we both gave up sucessfull careers , relocated to another state closer to hes family and Had children- but we have managed to some how work it out true few years yet this far with many incidences.
We have 12years age difference — I am younger. We have struggled a lot with work and finances- he would never support me on any jobs choice i would be able to find-due to not having experience — since my career was very unique and existed only in big cities-as of now i am a stay at home mom — without any income of my own. He has a habbit of a pornography use- that hurts me and upsets me because he is so emotionally distant from me and I speak up and say how I feel he gets deffencive and treatens me with divorse- but the next day he appologises and he tells me he loves me and I am the only woman he wants to be with and forever.
We went to marriage councelor he discontinued after first 3 times — found an excuses one after another and blamed therapyst- usually he blames me for everything- I continued to go alone he would get very angry and things got realy ugly. I stopped going and we decided to make it work- once again- for a short wile it was great- then again pornography got in a way- and a major distance — we would spend evenings without talking at all- It is very lonely marriage for me- but I do beleave in the commitment and the fact that everything is possible if both people are willing to work to make it- I know I do- and he knows I do.
I have been trying everything possible — he doent seem to have an ambittion more than a week at the time. We would talk eather we want to stay with one another or divorce he would say he wants to stay and work to improve relationship- when I offer to go to therapyst again but i would like for him to choose one he would say ok and never make an attemp- it is very frustrating for me- because I can not understand is he using the divorce threats as a form of manipulation to get his way of an compromise?!
Not to mention he is also very werbally abusive , chriticizes me and our children- when stressed or under preasure. I forgive and forgive and forgive I am losing my time myself and my patience- how can I feel safe and trust him? I dont have any family for support. I do realize we have a cultural differences. I take everything close to hearth and seriously. But the behavior you are describing from your husband is really harmful. You are on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. One minute he is telling you that he loves you, the next he is emotionally distant. He says he wants to work on your marriage, but he refuses to go to counseling.
He keeps giving you little grains of hope that things will work out, then he snatches them away and treats you like dirt. What he is doing is not okay on ANY level! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you dramatically change something, your future is not looking very bright. Regardless of what your husband says, I think you need to go back to therapy — alone!
Find yourself a good therapist and focus on yourself for awhile. Start figuring out who you are and what you want. You need to think about what you are worth and what you deserve. And you need to think about what kind of a life you want to make for your kids. Is the life you are living right now the one you want to use to set an example for your kids?
I also suggest that you do your best to try to put yourself in a position where you can start to support yourself. I understand that you have 3 young children and that your career was located in another state. Find a new career. Or, for the moment, just find a job. If you need to, go back to school.
Find a way to start building yourself, and your self esteem, up again. Finally, if you want to get clear about what is going on in your marriage, stop listening to the words everyone is saying, and start watching what you and your husband are doing. My husband of almost 2 years but together for about 5. What is going on with him? Is this the kind of marriage you want? What does that even mean? This man already married you! What you have to decide is: How do you want to be treated?
What do you think YOU deserve? When you can answer those questions honestly, I think you will have a better idea of what you should do. Which confuses me that he is feeling this type of way. He has his mood swings every now and then that I knew about before I married him and I accepted that flaw but it never went to this level.
It sounds like you love your husband, and you believe he loves you. You also know and understand his mood swings. But, the question still remains, what do you want? Can you deal with his mood swings the way they are now because it is unlikely that they will change, unless he gets help. If he is not, that is his issue, not yours.
Are you in love with him? That seems like a lot to ask, given how you have described the way he treats you. Is this the life you want? The answers you are looking for are inside of you, not him. So spend time thinking about what you want. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, and during much of the last year I have been struggling with depression. A few days ago he said he wanted to divorce so that I could be happy.
I want to save my marriage. But first, you need to get moving in the right direction yourself. What are you doing to work on your depression? That should be your number one priority. How can you expect to be happily married if you are just plain not happy? But, being depressed has to be affecting your marriage. So, finding a good therapist and tackling your depression is step 1, both in saving your marriage, and in getting you happy overall.
In the big picture, though, couples counseling is step two for you. The bottom line is that it seems you have some work to do. Work on yourself first. Once you are a bit happier yourself, your whole marriage might change! If not, then working on that will be your next step. He brought home a separation agreement for me to sign.
I have to get a legal aid lawyer since I do not make very much money. I have no friends and no family. I am scared to death. Of starting over and how I will be able to support myself. NEVER sign something as important as a separation agreement without first consulting with a lawyer. If you have to go to legal aid, then go to legal aid. Or you may be able to meet with a lawyer who gives you a free consultation and start there. But you must get legal advice. I know you are scared about starting over and supporting yourself.
But after that you need to get into action. You will cry more, I know. But the point is, you have to move!
Start brainstorming ways you might be able to support yourself. When your mind tells you: Also, when you meet with a lawyer, ask about alimony and child support. You may end up with more money coming in than you think. Find a divorce support group. Look at churches and non-profit organizations. These groups not only provide amazing emotional support, but the also usually know what local resources might be available to you.
They can point you in the right direction. Most of all, hang in there. I am willing to be that you will soon find out that you are stronger than you think! My husband and I just celebrated our 1st year of marriage at the end of September and on Halloween he packed his things and left. We have been struggling a lot lately especially since moving home. He was in the military and I moved 13 hours away to be with him and we were engaged then married 2 weeks later. Since he got out of then military and we moved home, there have been so many struggles, between financial problems, and his family not accepting me into their lives as their daughter in law, and stress from moving and everyday life, we lost sight of each other.
The past few months we fought a lot, I would scream and yell about his family and about things not being things not being the way we both wanted them to be. We took it out on each other, we are both to blame but every time we agreed we both wanted to work it out. Every time we tried working it out we would try for a couple days or a week and the next thing would come up and we would fight. Thursday we had a big fight and i took his ring off my finger and dropped it on the ground outside of his parents house and left to go home.
We have no contact at all. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel empty inside. I am so sorry! While it seems like you and your husband have been through a lot, it also sounds like you have tried to figure everything out on your own. At this point, it would be wise to see if you can get some help. Have you looked into marriage counseling? If not, you definitely want to do that asap. I suggest that you try to find a good counselor in your area.
I Don’t Want to Get Divorced but My Spouse Does!
You will also probably want to reach out to your husband and let him know how you feel. Most of all, see if you can get him to agree to see a counselor. If so, start going as soon as you can. Going to a good counselor or therapist can make an enormous difference in your relationship. That person can help you deal with the stress and strain of marriage. The insights you get from that are sure to be helpful no matter what. Alot has happen in all these years, I have two kids that are not his and 2 kids that are his..
He treats my two a Lil different than ours together I have cheated on him in and Than just this last summer. It seems like everything he does right now just gets on my nerves and just pushes me away even more.. I feel like I need to find myself and my kids keep going threw this every time we go threw it and my oldest daughter had said u guys need to call it quits and move on cause we keep going threw the same thing all the time, it seems like every 4 months or so..
You say you are not in love with your husband and you feel like you are ready to let go. You say that you have very little time for each other and poor communication. All in all, it sounds like you have a lot of issues to resolve here! To get your marriage back on track, though, you and your husband need some help.
It sounds like a lot has happened over the years, and you need to deal with all of it, once and for all. Either you need to get back into marriage counseling, or maybe try some other sort of program to work on your marriage. A marriage retreat weekend might do you some good. But, even one great weekend together will not solve all of your marital problems. What is worse is that your marital problems are really affecting your kids. A good idea would be for you to go to individual therapy yourself.
That will help you sort out how you feel, and give you the emotional tools you need to follow through on whatever decision you make — whether you ultimately decide to stay or go. No matter what decision you make, the road in front of you is not going to be easy. Working on a troubled marriage is hard, but so is divorce.
If you continue to stay together without dramatically changing your relationship will keep you stuck right where you are. The fact that your marital issues are hurting your kids means that it is time to make a change. Either work on improving your marriage or call it quits. My husband and i have been going through a lot when we were dating i had cheated on him and now when ever we get into an argument he try to bring that up to take away from what he did my husband cheated on me 2 times in our marriage he slept with another women and kissed another women on the neck while out.
First, physical violence is never okay. If there is physical violence in your marriage then that is the first thing you need to deal with. If your husband is beating you, I strongly suggest that you seek help. Call a domestic violence hotline and ask them for advice about your options for dealing with the situation.
There are also domestic violence support groups. Try to find one in your area and check it out. You also definitely need to look for a counselor for yourself as soon as you can. If not, then you go without him. It sounds like both of you could benefit from individual therapy, and marriage counseling. I know you love your husband and want to stay married, but is this the kind of marriage you want to have? In order to build a good marriage, you both have to be willing to work on it. With all that has happened, I think you need help doing that.
I think counseling will be your best option. Married 14 years, two kids ages 9 and 5. Although she has her own issues with depression, disordered eating and poor self-esteem, I know we got where we are because of things we both did, and assume my responsibility in it. Even though we have never had a fight or disrespected each other, we are now talking about divorce. I admit that for many years I was blind to the subtle signs that things were not going well.
She felt judged by me, her feelings dismissed, that she had to apologize for being herself. She bottled up her feelings and anger turned into resentment, then turned into contempt. Nothing I say or do seems to matter much, and she remains distant and unloving. I am the sole bread-winner and have always pampered her and encouraged her to follow her passions, regardless of whether she makes money or not. She says she could continue living in an unloving, sexless marriage, it is me that is pushing for change, whether that means reconnecting or going our own ways. Is it possible, in time, for feelings to change even when something has broken inside?
Is it possible to desire and love again a person for whom at one point you felt contempt for? In your experience, have you seen couples come back from something like this? I can hear the pain in your words. It sounds like you have already done a lot to change, and to work on the marriage. Sadly, your wife still has not come around. Can love and desire be rekindled after they have died? It is possible…but I will be honest: The truth is that it sounds like you have tried everything to make your marriage work, and now you are just hoping for a miracle.
While I believe miracles happen, and have even seen a few in my time, at some point staying in a loveless marriage where you are being used because you are a good provider seems terribly empty. At this point, you need to be asking yourself what YOU want. If so, then you can keep going the way you are. Do you want a marriage with a woman who has an emotional, physical and spiritual connection with you? Then you might have to end your marriage and look for a wife who can give that to you. Karen, thank you for your thoughtful reply. She is in a dark place right now and part of me feels this is precisely when she needs me to love her unconditionally and support her.
Just sharing is cathartic in itself. You are an amazing person! I know how hard this time is for you. Do your best to follow your heart, and you will end up okay. My husband and I have been married for less than a year. I have a one month old baby girl now but ever since the beginning of my pregnancy, my husband and I have been arguing a lot. I never thought we would not get along like this. We both changed after marriage. I know I am not perfect. I can be very jealous, especially about his ex, with whom he shares a child.
I was cheated on a lot in previous relationships so I think I brought this trauma over to my marriage. Whatever the case may be, he is getting tired of me. He told me this morning that he really wants a divorce. He is afraid that something bad will end up happening. Things have been getting pretty out of hand as of late.
Pushing, kicking, screaming, cussing. I feel like my daughter is also being affected by it as she gets angry and scared easily and she is only one month old!! I have a hard time trusting men in general. He is right about the fighting…it is getting really ugly. I applaud your self-awareness. It sounds like you know that you have some things to work on. Now, your next step is to take steps to change so that you can be happier and your relationships can be stronger. You need to get to the bottom of those feelings and learn ways to begin to trust again. You need to understand and believe that you are beautiful and valuable and lovable, just because you are you.
Until you do, every relationship you are in will suffer.
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I strongly suggest that you consider getting into therapy yourself as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself, to your marriage and to your baby girl. Because she will be affected by all this too. As you said, she already gets angry and scared easily. I am concerned about the violence that is happening in your home.
That is something you absolutely need to deal with right now! You and your husband need to find a better way to deal with your emotions than physically fighting. Please, please, find one and explore it. Many of the programs are offered at low or no cost. I know you love your husband, but you need to start loving you too. You need to get help, and he may need to do the same. My wife recently told me that she wants a divorce. This was actually a main contributor.
At the time, I was working at a startup where we were trying to get funding, and my wife had a fantastic job making quite a bit of money. Long story short, the startup eventually failed, and as a result, she had to carry the family for just about a year financially. As a result, she sent me some email saying she is going to evict me and to just make it easy and find my own place.
I guess the only thing I can do is retain an attorney somehow and hope for the best. The sad thing is, is that I really love her…. It seems to me like you and your wife are suffering from a set of failed expectations. Getting to the bottom of what is really going on in your marriage will help you understand whether your marriage can be saved, and, if so, how you can go about getting it back on track.
I would be willing to be that there is more going on than simply a lack of money. What is eating at her goes well beyond money. You probably feel similarly. My guess is that you feel like your wife should be more supportive. Each of you feels let down and betrayed by the other. That is destroying your marriage more than the lack of money. After all, if money was the real issue, now that you have a job and are making good money again, there should be no problem. You said that the only thing you can do is retain an attorney. You can try to work on your marriage. You can go to marriage counseling.
You also should probably each consider going to individual therapy for awhile to try to dig up and explore how you are really feeling, and work on growing past the resentment that I suspect is buried within each of you. You can try talking to a spiritual adviser if you have one, or just do your own soul searching.
Should you go to an attorney? Should you file for divorce? There is an enormous difference between consulting with an attorney to understand the divorce process, and how the law will apply to your situation should you get divorced, and actually filing for divorce. Know what you are facing. You probably have more options than you think.
My wife of 17 years informed me last week that she wants a divorce. There has been no infidelity on either side. She just decided she wants a fresh start. She has already met with an attorney and is willing to be the one that moves out. My wife wants to wait until after Christmas to tell him. I have resigned myself to the fact that she is not willing to attempt to save the marriage. She said she does not want to go to counseling.
We have been able to keep life at home very normal. Our son has no idea this is coming. Another option is to move in with her sister in the interim. I would much rather wait until he has graduates this spring because I fear he will lose his focus in school and his grades will suffer mightily. I feel that waiting will allow him 3 months to deal with the situation before he heads off for college. He will be living on campus so he will be moving out anyway so it seems to me this would be the best approach for him. No wonder you are not productive at work!
Clearly, this has been something your wife has been thinking about for a long time. While it sounds like she has made her decision, and there is no turning back, she needs to understand that you now need time to process that decision and adjust to the idea that you will be getting a divorce. It is neither realistic nor fair to expect you to be able to be on board with the divorce, and ready to move forward on her timetable right now.
Emotionally, you are not in the same place that she is. You need time to catch up. THat having been said, I urge you to take a good hard look at why you want to wait until after your son graduates from high school to tell him. I appreciate that you are genuinely concerned for how he will take the news. You sound like an awesome father and I can tell you want to do the right thing. But, is it possible that some of the reason why you want to delay is because YOU are not ready to deal with the divorce yourself?
By the way, there is no right or wrong answer. I suggest that you find someone you can talk to about this so that you can start to sort out how you feel, and start working through all of the emotions that go along with divorce. If possible, it would be great if you could get your wife to slow down and give you a little time to get your head clear and start dealing with your new reality. But you are not. If she can give you the time you need to process this, your actual divorce will go much more smoothly. I know that your divorce will affect him.
What I do suggest is that you and your wife meet with a therapist who specializes in working with young adults. Talk to the therapist about this issue, and see what the therapist suggests. Afifi regarding children and divorce. It is really interesting and it may give you some ideas.
My wife and I were living in her parents old home and they provided the financing. It was not a situation that I was ever comfortable with and never felt as though the house actually belong to us and had stated this to my spouse on several occasions. Anytime her parents were in town they stayed at the house which never made me feel comfortable but I would never ask my spouse to have them stay somewhere else as they were her parents.
I lost my job after taking family leave due to a neurological disorder called Tinnitus. I did not seek a job due to the stress of the disorder and hearing loss which my spouse said it was fine as she made enough to support both of us. I gave up my expensive car which paid for a new car for her and reduced our debt.
All was fine until my wife was laid off and neither of us had any income except for her unemployment which I never touched as we had always had separate bank accounts. Well her parents decided that they were going to sell the house and had made this decision for some time before telling us since the house never went on the market and was sold within 30 days. At this point, she went to live with her parents which I refused to do since I resented they way they had handled the situation.
I was left with only one option and that was for me to move to my families home in a different city. Without and warning and reasons which I still do not understand she filed for divorce and mailed me the papers to sign. Well, I was completely caught off guard and realized that this was not a decision she came to on her own and that her parents had more than likely convinced her that it was the correct thing to do. I deduced this because we lived in a small town and the lawyer was a friend of the family.
I could go into more specific details, but it would take too long. Bottom line her is that she expected me to sign the papers just because she wanted the divorce. We have tried to discuss the matter, but there is no way she will ever change her mind. My stance is that if she wants it that bad she must be unhappy and I do not want to stand in the way of her decision.
However, I do not want the divorce and do not want to contest it but feel that there must be a way she can have the marriage dissolved without my approval. Obviously she can petition for the divorce without my knowledge or approval so there should be a way for her to dissolve the marriage without me agreeing to it. I do have to add there are no children or joint property issues as well as no cases of infidelity on my part nor do I believe on her part either.
Am I being selfish just because I do not want to go on record as stating I am ok with this or agree that a divorce is necessary to me? She can file for divorce without you. Actually, you said she already filed for divorce. That means that SHE has asked the court to grant you a divorce. At this point, your divorce is already under way. You may not agree with it, but if you choose not to participate in it, you will have zero control over the outcome. Your wife can ask the court to do whatever she wants with all of the assets that both of you have, and there will be nothing you can do about it because you are not participating in the case.
It may not matter whose name they are in. Check with a lawyer in your area about this. You also have no idea what might happen regarding spousal support. How would you feel if she gets a divorce judgment entered that says you have to pay her money every month? Please understand, I am not trying to stir up a fight between you. It may be that your wife is honest and will take the high road, whether you participate in the divorce or not. But this is YOUR life!
You know who you are! Anyone who looks at the case will clearly see that she is the one who wanted the divorce. Why does anything else matter? By the way, But it sounds like it may be time for you to look at things a little bit differently so that you can be in the best position possible to make a new life for yourself.
Hello, my husband has pretty much given up on our marriage of 13 years. We have two kids 4 and 9 and soon after they were born tension started to rise in our marriage. We have always had financial problems and and stress due to having kids and both of us working.
He was in a dead end job for 10 years and was stuck. I grew more and more resentful over the years because I worked more to pick up the slack. He has also said hurtful things and treated me poorly as well. We have become very distant and emotionally detached, so much so that I just discovered that my husband has been cross dressing behind my back for ten years and now thinks he may be transgender! I feel like he knew we had problems and just assumed that it was over and just focused on himself instead of us. I knew that our marriage needed help, but up until now I felt so overwhelmed with babies and work that I figured we would work on the marriage some day.
Well that someday is here and I feel like he gave up without trying. He keeps blaming me for the ways things turned out, even though he is totally guilty too. We are not getting along and I am not ready for a divorce at all! I thought even though our marriage was not great and we were both really unhappy that we would always just work things out, now he has given me no choice.
We have gone to counseling, but he seems to have his mind made up. I am completely devastated and worry how this will effect our kids. It sounds like you have been struggling in your marriage for a long time. Both you and your husband have been focused on other things for years. Believe me, I can totally understand. As you have found, though, when you do that, your problems only get bigger. Have you spoken with your husband about what he wants?
Does he want to work on your marriage? If so, then you have a chance. But, if he has truly given up, or if he wants to explore his new transgender identity as a single person, then it may be too late to save your marriage. I encourage you to go to a therapist on your own and work through what YOU want. Do you want to stay married to a man who may be transgender? But, unless you do, your marriage is doomed. So the first thing you have to do is to decide what you really want in your marriage, and how much time and effort you are willing to put in to try to make it happen.
If both you and your husband are willing to work on your marriage, then there may be hope. If either of you are not, though, then you are going to be facing divorce, either now or in the future. If that is true for you, then the best thing that you can do, for yourself and your kids, is to prepare yourself for your divorce and try to find a way to do it that causes the least damage and destruction to you and to your family. Will your divorce affect your kids?
Of course it will. But so will staying in a bad marriage. Which one will be better? That is what you have to decide. So my situation is not a good one. We were together for 6 years and married for 3 of them. I was unfaithful at times all through social media and never did anything with anyone in person. I have been going to therapy and finally understand why I was doing this and how to fix myself and get myself in a better place.
I asked her if she would be willing to go with me to therapy and she said that she is beyond that and that I should continue to go. We had just bought a house together and were trying to have kids, although there had been fertility issues and she also had lost her job. She says she still loves me but is not sure how much or what type of love it is at this time.
I guess my question is what do you do when she is still angry and mad and livid as she says. Do I just go ahead and do the divorce thing or give it more time and just break off contact for awhile and see what happens? If your wife has left you and really is done with your relationship, then there may not be much that you can do. It is wonderful that you are in a better place than you were, and that you now believe you have controls in place to prevent yourself from being unfaithful. That will serve you well in life, no matter what happens in this marriage.
But it takes two people to make a marriage. The only person you can control is yourself. IF your wife has passed the point of no return in your marriage and that happens and she has decided that she wants a divorce, then nothing you can do or say will put your marriage back together.
The best thing you can do is a good, solid reality check. Is your wife determined to divorce you? If so, then it may be time for you to let go, even if you would have preferred to stay married. If you think giving your wife more time will be helpful, then go ahead and give her more time.
Then time might make a difference. But otherwise, is taking more time just delaying the inevitable? Try to honestly answer these questions for yourself. That should help you know what is right for you to do. I am in hell. My husband bought a house with me, and as soon as we moved, started acting depressed and angry all of the time. I made him go to marriage counseling, he did not take it seriously or work on changing, he kept calling me names and being mean saying he wants me out of his life.
I have asked him if he is on drugs, if there is someone else, what happened to suddenly make him act this way when we are happy?!. And who buys a house if they know they are going to leave their wife soon?! I am so sorry this happened to you. As strange as it may sound, I have represented several people who just bought a house with their spouse and then everything fell apart. So, you are not alone. The more distressing part of what you said is how your husband is acting and treating you. What is also odd is that you said that you were happy before you bought the house so I am assuming that he treated you well before, and suddenly he has changed.
Here is what I know: So if your husband used to treat you well, but suddenly treats you badly, something is up. I have no idea what it is, but you will figure it out if you pay attention and give it a little time. Here is the link: The other thing you might want to do is get yourself into therapy alone. If you can get to the root of the problem with your husband, you may be able to do something about it. My wife of 14 yrs. Great until a few months ago I began to develop some mild palpitation issues and decided to stop the medication.
My anxiety has been fine too. Of course this back-fired. I am so ashamed for making such a dumb mistake. Perhaps a week is too short a time to assess. Given her family history of abuse and mistrust, my anxieties, and now this betrayal, it just seems everything is lost between us. You stopped taking your medication because you were having heart palpitations and when your wife found out she decided your marriage is over?
You said your anxiety is fine. So, what is the problem? Why is your wife so upset? Either she is attaching way more significance to your stopping your medication without telling her which may or may not have been the best idea in hindsight — who knows? Whatever is happening is not good, and the sooner you can get to the bottom of it, the better your chances for repairing your relationship. I suspect that whatever is happening is truly much deeper than the fact that you stopped taking your medication.
Will your wife turn around? I wish I had better news. But, maybe you can turn this around. Thank you for your advice, Karen. My husband and I have been together for 4 years married 3. Ever since I have my son I went into a pretty bad depression. I was home alone with two kids and he was either at work or working on a workshop he was building. It has been every day since last year. We see him maybe an hour at night right before the kids go to sleep.
I have been scared to talk to him to tell him all that is bothering me because he has such bad anger issues. He will break things and yell. Well the other night I finally got the courage. I told him we needed to talk once our kids went to bed, and what does he do. Starts being not so nice in front of the kids grilling me to talk. I had had enough. I told him what was bothering me and asked him if he still loved him.
I got scared that it was about to get worse I grabbed my kids and a couple bags just in case. He told me if I left with the kids to never come back. Am I ever going to be okay? That more helpful handbook exists, but its pages are in the mouths of bartenders and cousins and neighbors and colleagues. Just as worrying that you worry too much is unhelpful, so too is feeling bad that you feel bad.
Divorce is two things: The next time you feel it the echoes will be just a touch quieter and the feeling will have changed slightly. You know how everybody hates asking for help but they love to be able to help others? When I first moved into the new, empty apartment, one of the loneliest parts was having a bare fridge door. No family has ever had a bare fridge: That was too much to bear. So I asked everybody near and far to please send me something of themselves that I could put up to feel less alone.
Two weeks later the photos and cards some hand-written and funny postcards and pictures of kittens and, yes, even some adorable crayon art filled my eyes and heart every time I went to make breakfast. We might as well admit that you will, in fact, go crazy. Or appear to, anyway. People deal with the hard parts of life by emotionally disengaging from it, distracting ourselves, self-medicating with food or drugs or sex, blurring boundaries between ourselves and people we perceive as care-givers, developing an inflated self-image, or diving into a rich fantasy life.
If they could put it down and pick up others it would be far easier for other people to build a relationship with them. You might also get high every night for a while or get a prescription for Xanax to try to calm yourself down. The important thing is to know that all of these psychological defenses are available to you and you can use them as you need. Which will be great, because then you can focus on your revitalized sex life. When you got married, you likely bought into a fairly standard narrative that goes like this: Maybe you start your career and get married and maybe have kids and maybe buy a house.
The next steps were always a bit blurry but perhaps they involved growing kids and weekends drinking with friends and a career that just kept going up and up. And the richness of these relationships will reflect your now-adult capacity to reason about the world and navigate it.
Related the Divorce Handbook: How To Put The Worst Behind You - Quickly, Fairly And Finally
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